So I believe I have a new fear. What is it? Losing friends. Whether they were a big or small part of my life. I just can't take it. I don't understand why it bothers me so much. I've "lost" friends to drugs, girlfriends, or just the next big thing. I've gone through it, why do I care so much now? Even some of the friends that I "shouldnt" have in my life, I just want them to know that I love them, I care about them and I'm right here if they need me.
There are a few of them that its my fault that we're not friends. How do I tell them I'm sorry? Would they even care or listen? I don't think they understand how bad I feel. Or anyone for that matter. And even if they did, would it matter? Would things really go back to how they were, or would that still be in the back of their head, everytime they saw me. I can't take back what I've done, all I can do is say sorry and hope they can forgive me, and eventually forget about it.
Friends... When I first moved here I met her. She was so different then I was. When we both hit highschool she went down a path that I couldnt be walking right next to, so I stopped. I met another one. She changed my life. I broke out of my box with her help. She was much more outgoing then I was and it eventually rubbed off. I met another one, our group hungout every weekend. We knew everything about eachother and grew so close. Then one problem and it was gone. They still talk to me, but its not like it was those saturday nights. The two girls that I mentioned are still here. One I have just recently been in touch with. And I was glad to hear her say that she wanted to come to me. She knew that I loved her and was going to always be there for her. She told me I was always a good friend to her. That meant soo much. The other, she led me to the friends I have now. She still means alot to me and I hope she knows that. Like the other, I hope she knows Im ALWAYS here. Maybe I just want things to be like they used to be... Maybe thats my problem, holding on so tight to what used to be and not realizing that its just not the same anymore. I just wish things could go back. BUT, I guess. Everything happens for a reason.
I don't intend on blogging everyday, I just have a lot on my mind. So many questions I would love to just have answered. Do those people even know I question them everyday, probably not and I think I might just keep it that way.
Well, thats about it.
Thanks for reading.
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One thing to remember, a friend who wants you to act or behave in a particular way in order for them to be your friend isn't really a friend at all. A true friend accepts you for who you are and you can actually be more yourself around them. I have lived a lot of life and come to the conclusion I will never make everyone happy at the same time, so I don't try. I am who I am and don't apologize for it. You should not be worried about "losing" a friend. If they could be lost, they weren't a friend in the first place. They were a conditional friend. An if you....., then I will be your friend. I love you and think you are amazing just the way you are. NEVER change that!! Some people live for controversy, but don't get caught up in it!! I love you!! JUST the way you are!!
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