my life, no scratch that His life.

I have no idea what I'm going to do.
I know I've been planning on going to California and going to school there.
Things have changed.
My aunt is pregnant. I love my aunt, and I can already tell I'm going to fall in love with this baby. I don't want to miss anything. I know I'm going to help and going to be needed to help.
My parents don't want me to go away, I understand why.
I want to go to California, I really do. Its beautiful. Its opportunity city.
Especially for what I want to do.

Something I keep forgetting is,
I'll admit it,
Swallow my pride and admit,
my life, isn't my life.
Its God's.

I know He has plans for my life. I just can't quite put my finger on it.
I love helping people. More than anything. I have a huge heart for people.
I think this is my gift.

I don't know what He has in store.
I'm open to whatever He wants.

Surrendering my life to Him, isn't easy.. I want to do what I want to do. Duh.
Its funny, right when you think you have things figured out, you are completely wrong. God has a sense of humor!

Be praying for me.


Thanks for Reading :)
P.S. I love you!

simple moments.

So, my blog is about me.. not cool stuff, not whats going in the world. Just me, and my relationship with God. Sometimes, just me. Because I'm selfish.
This blog is actually going to be about God and I :)
John's sermon yesterday was really amazing. Thank God for that!
I have so many notes I don't know where to start.

1) God's presence needs to become real in our lives. Think about it. You wouldn't watch certain movies or do certain things if your grandmother was around would you? I know I wouldn't. What about God? Did you forget He is with you everywhere you go? This is something I need to become more aware of in my life. I think if we accepted this fact we wouldn't do half of what we do.. if we truly love Him.

2) Love and displaying the fruits of the spirit is not a luxury. It is not something that is easy. It takes hard work. Love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control. Its not easy to love all the time. Especially when you are hurt or have been hurt. Its not easy to be patient, especially when you are angry. All these things take time and effort.. and practice.

3) If you are truly converted, it will be evident in your life. This isn't something you lose. You may have forgotten, and pushed aside... but you don't lose it. Your life changes dramatically. Not quickly, but over time. You have new reasons for living. You have new standards to live up to. You have a Father to please. You have faith. You have hope. You have God, Christ and the Holy Spirit. We tend to live in the moment, what feels good at the time. For some people, being a "Christian" feels good at the time.. but when the going gets tough, when there are some things in your life that need to be changed.. all the sudden, Christianity isn't your thing because it doesn't feel good. Look at #2 again.. its not easy. But, I can promise you it'll be worth it.

4) Beat God to the Burn (stolen from John Tate). This is something I struggle with A LOT in my life. What John means by this is, remove things that satan may use as a wedge. I don't tend to do this. A big wedge was removed from my life a month ago, I know I've mentioned it before. I'm truly grateful. My relationship with God has gotten a lot better. I've fallen in love with my Bible. I've learned to let go. I have a few more wedges in my life. I'll be working on them.

5) My life, as a Christian. Is a testimony to God and people. I know I fail at this. I know I do. One of my problems right now, is my mouth. I'll admit it, I cuss. Not good. Yuck. I apologize to those of you who hear it. I know it makes me look bad. I'll be working on it. You have permission to call me out. I know I need it.

6) Be cast in the shadows. Be invisible, but only if God is visible. I hope this is true for my life.. but it may not be. I do want this. More than anything. I know I have royally messed up my testimony to a lot of people. I do strive for people to see Christ through me. I'll be working on it.

Sorry for the length.

Thanks for Reading.

awful sketch of my perfect dress

Isn't it truly amazing what words can do. Have you ever thought about that? How a few words can change your life. Stop your heart, slow your breathing. How they can hurt and leave you in tears. How they can be so beautiful that you feel like flying. How they can end friendships, loves, lives even. There is so much power in words. I'm sorry, every once in awhile I have these "revelations" where I just find certain things amazing. Today, it was words.

Along with words, how about people. It is truly amazing how people, "change." How situations or friendships change. How people you know become people you knew. I have a few people in mind when I say this. Most of them I met during an amazing year of my life. I thought I knew them, I thought that our year together had built such a bond that I would be close friends with them for awhile. Maybe this is just a stage in their lives.. and its not permanent. Hopefully we can go back to where we were.. I truly hope so because I loved it.

Last thing I suppose I can share, is my heart. Sometimes I wish I didn't have a big heart for people. I guess that along with loving people so much, you have to get hurt by them too. I honestly wish that it wasn't hard for me to let people go. I just can't, just thinking about it kills me. I love people. I see the good in everyone.. sometimes its not a good thing. Recently I have learned that I fall in love with potential. Who someone could be, not who they are. I hope for the best for everyone. I want everyone to love me like I love them. Call me crazy, I guess.

Words are amazing, people change, and I love.
Random blog.

Thanks for reading.

Picture Challenge!

1. One of your facebook profile photos

2. A photo of yourself a year ago

3. A photo that makes you happy

4. A photo of the last place you went on holiday

5. A photo of you

6. A photo that makes you laugh

7. A photo of someone you love

8. A photo of your favorite band/musician






9. A photo of your family

10. A photo of you as a baby

11. A photo of your favorite film(s)



12. A photo of you

13. A photo of your best friend(s)


14. A photo of one of your favorite family members

15. A photo of you and someone you love

16. A photo of you at the last party you went to

17. A drunk photo of you
18. A photo of one of your classes

19. A photo of you on a school trip

20. A photo of something you enjoy doing

21. A photo of you standing up

22. A photo of your town

23. A photo of your friend as a baby
24. A photo of you that your hair looks nice in

25. A photo of a night you loved

26. A photo of your favorite weekend

27. A photo of last summer

28. A photo of what you ate today

29. A photo of someone you find attractive


30. A photo of you when you were happy


P.S. This is a lot of fun, you should do it!

my hope is in a trumpet sounding.

I have some things to share.

1)I'm a very grateful for what God does for me. He knows everything. He knows what we are going to go through before we do and He allows it to happen because He knows how strong we will come out of it (James 1:2-4). This has happened recently in my life. As much as it hurts, and how bitter I am about it.. I'm am truly grateful it happened. I really am. What I know now has only proved to be for my good. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:28.

2)I've been hearing lately, (mainly from my mother), that I am strong. I don't really believe that. If I am at all it is because of Christ. He is my strength. How amazing is that? Seriously? To turn to Christ and tell him everything, lay all our burdens down, cry to Him, etc. and know He is listening and working. To me, that is beyond amazing. The greatest feeling in the world, is when you can feel God. Trust me.

3)I'm also very grateful for the past couple of sermons I have heard. They have honestly felt directed right to me. Last Sunday was about idols. I had a few in my life. God speaks directly about idols and you can see His frustration in Isaiah 41:21-24. God seeks fellowship and real worth. This Sunday it was from John 5:25-29. Something that struck me was the beginning of 28. "Do not be amazed at this." or "Do not marvel at this" BUT, Repent and Believe it! Start acting upon this.

4) Which brings me to my last thing I want to share. Christ is coming. AMEN! Haha, and there are some days (like today) that I truly wish it was today. I'm so sick of my sinful self. I'm ready to be pure and perfect in fellowship with my God. My hope is in a trumpet sounding. I'm ready for that day, it will be an amazing day and I want to be welcomed as His good and faithful servant. What I started thinking was, what if we lived our day as if God was coming that day? I think we would love more, forgive more, do more, fellowship more. I think its a great goal. Its where my heritage comes from. A group of people willing to stop marveling and acting, repenting and believing.

Thanks :)
(I'm starting not to care about the length)

Okay, I am finally blogging. So, the reason I decided to change my blog... Honestly, I don't have one.. I just decided to... Haha. So thats that. Maybe this could be helpful to people and helpful to me as I go through some struggles or what not.

Right now, my biggest "struggle" actually I have 2.
1) I really don't know where I want to go to school. I am definitely going to ASU this January to catch up on core classes. I'm talking about next year. I have applied to a couple of different schools. LBC, Toccoa, AI of Orange County and the Study Abroad program at ASU. Yes, I have applied to a college in California. Obviously it has its extreme benefits, but don't worry I will not go out there just for Nolan. I am extremely interested in there Fashion Marketing program. With everything else, I honestly just have to decide what I really want to do. I want to try everything. If I could go to California for a semester or a year, then go study abroad for a couple months or a year, then finish up somewhere else... Honestly that would be so ideal. That sounds so perfect. Trying everything and seeing what is best. I think it would be worth the time and money.
So where does God come into this? I have to be seeking His guidance throughout this. Constantly praying, and seeking. If I began to feel this is not glorifying God or what I should be doing.. I won't continue. It'll be hard.. but thats the life I've chosen.

2) I want to stand out. I have a few people who have started to depend and lean on me, not because of me, but because of who I am. I want to be that strong Christian for them. I hope that I have already shown them that, and will continue to. I feel soo good that they have decided to come to me. Most of them, I might be the only Christian they know. But thats okay, it proves my point of why I never cut ties and I never give up on anyone.

Sorry for the length,
Thanks for Reading :)
More to come!

I've got a fire in my eyes

Today marks 1 month since I've been home and so much has changed. The most obvious change, I'm home. It's good to be home. I missed everyone so much. Next obvious change, I'm taken. And by an absolutely amazing guy. He is who I have been praying for. I am so happy, I haven't been this happy in a long time. I love you Nolan. The next change unfortunately, I'm starting to change. I'm falling back into some of my old habits. I'm cussing. I'm listening to the same crap music. And I'm not devoting my every day to Christ. At BICS it was so easy to be surrounded by strong Christians. Its so easy to read the Bible every day. Its so easy to be picked up after I start to fall back.

Here at home, its not so easy. I don't have those people to keep me accountable, who will pick me up. I, myself, have been getting lazy. I've read my Bible one night since I've been back. Nolan and I said we were going to do devotions together, but haven't kept it up. I need to keep myself up. I have to stop being so lazy about it. I had such big plans for my life and how I was going to impact everyone around me with my change, I've failed to do that. It's an awful feeling.
I hate that I've been a disappointment, that I'm being a hypocrite.

I plan on keeping myself accountable. I have got to keep myself in check and stop being so lazy. It's hurting me. I'm starting a change.
I'm changing:
what I listen to.
what I say.
how I spend my time.
how I impact.
how I'm involved.
what I watch.
what I put up with.

I want to be able to show people Christ, in any way I can. But even at my best, I'm no where near how amazing He is. There is only so much I can show, and He has to do the rest.
I'm so sorry to you who are reading this and the disappointment or hypocrite I have been. I hope you can forgive me, and I hope I can be better.

Thanks.

Jesus' took His seat above :)

I believe that it is safe to say that it has been awhile. I haven't blogged for over a month.. compared to trying to blog once a week or so. You would think I would have a bunch to blog about. So much is happening. I guess I'm just lazy. Well I suppose I'll talk about the obvious.
I just went on a trip. Yeah, it was pretty cool. You know, like going to the sites of the Bible and stuff and how I'll never be able to read the Bible the same way again. But seriously, it was an amazing trip. Full of experiences, memories, laughs and more. I loved it. I think my favorite part was Galilee, in Israel. Galilee is where a lot of Jesus' ministry took place. Like Capernaum, my site :), Jesus preformed so many miracles there. Its so amazing to think I was there. I was where it all happened. I went on the Sea of Galilee, where Jesus calmed the waters. Walked on water. Amazing. The Mt. of Beatitudes. Jesus' preaching. So amazing. Jerusalem was probably my second favorite. The Mt. of Olives and walking the path of the Passion. Being at the most likely site of Jesus' birth and calvery. So amazing. We saw the steps where Jesus walked to be captured before He went on the cross. I was in His cell. Where He had accepted what He was going to for us. So amazing. Oooo and! the garden. Where Jesus sweat blood. Where He realized He was taking on the wrath of God for me. Do you think He was thinking of us when He was on the cross? I've always wondered. I will always remember that trip. I will never read the Bible the same. It was definitely a blessing.
Today is Easter. Today was an amazing reminder of what Jesus did for me. We tend to just throw it around, yeah yeah Jesus died on the cross to take on our sins. It should never be cliche or just another thing. Jesus died on the cross, rose from the dead to pay the penalty for our sins and purchase a place for us in Heaven. I've been striving to think about what Heaven will be like. What rewards will I recieve? This life is temporary, we have greater things to look foward too!
Well my loves, I know you're reading this. You know I miss you all oh so much. Summer is getting closer and closer. I look through yalls pictures and I get so jealous, I miss hanging out with yall so much! I can't wait to be back in my house, with the ones I love. Don't get me wrong, I do love it here, but its not home. May 15th will be a very bittersweet day. I have made some pretty amazing friends here and I know I'll miss them.

Hopefully I'll pick up on my blogging again. Who knows.

Thanks for Reading
He is Risen!

a day to remember

1/25/2010, I will never forget that day. That is the day I decided to rededicate my life to Christ. I accepted Christ when I was 8 years old and I don't remember it at all. I actually called my dad yesterday and asked him about it. My whole life after that I stayed as a baby Christian. Not growing. A constant path of "okay." Coming to BICS is one of the best decision for my life. I have learned and continue to learn so much. So much that I should've known. At first thats what I considered my growth as, by just learning more, but I wasn't applying it to my life. I had a heart problem. Just like what Paul was speaking about in Romans. "Keeping the law is not enough, it has to be from the heart." My heart wasn't into anything I was doing or had been doing or at least not as much as it should be. It is easy to praise the Lord when things are going well. When things started to go wrong for me, I didn't know where to turn. I turned to my mom, my friend, etc. etc. I wasn't turning to Him or His word. I didn't want to. I wanted things to just happen and benefit me. (Baby Christian). I just became miserable, my heart ached, I felt empty, I needed to be filled. Since I didn't remember when I accepted Christ, I want to make sure I remembered when I rededicated my life to Christ. He is my strength. And when things start to go wrong I will turn to Him and His word and His promises, instead of myself and my family and friends. (But I still will, but God first) I will be on my knees, good day or bad day. Everyday will be for Him.

One of the most memorable days of my life!


Thanks for Reading!
:)

To see God in everything I do.

I want to see the world. I want to travel. Before I turn 19 I will have been to 4 different countries, 5 if you count the Bahamas. I love it. Absolutely love it. I want to see so much more. I want to go to Italy, France, Ireland, Portugal, England (again), Germany, Australia, China, Brazil, You name it! I want to go! I think it would be absolutely amazing.

Of course this would cost crazy amounts of money. I have a passion of seeing what this world has to offer. Seeing God's beautiful creation other than here in the states. I'm so excited to see the Holy Lands. (That is, if I go...) To see where Jesus walked and talked. To walk the places of Abraham, Jacob, Moses, Joshua, John, Paul, Peter, etc etc.

I just want to travel. I want the experience of seeing everything, but not only to just tour but to help or accomplish something. I don't know what, just a thought.

I'm not sure, this is just a big thought. I would like to live in a different country for awhile. I think it would be great, but who knows.

We'll see where God takes my life. I'm just sitting in for the ride. He chooses all this for me, so we'll see. I'm excited to see what He's going to do with my life. He is obviously preparing me for something. Something that He is using everything that has happened to me this year (struggles, financial issues, stress, hurt, more struggles, in short terms messy situations) to prepare me for it.

I'm really interested in what Hes going to do, and can I say I'm a bit nervous? Yeah well I just did so, haha. But I am excited.

This is kinda a mixed blog... I tend to do that. Oh well, my blog :)

Well to update on me, because I can do that (:P), I'm doing well. I'm still in a lot of stress and worry.. My loan disappeared, then declined and now no follow up. To be honest I had a feeling that it was going to happen. I had a bad bad feeling about taking a loan. No offense to my mother I know she means well, but I should've stood up and said something about her getting a loan, I didn't think it was right. I just settled on the fact that she knows best. Not saying that she doesn't but God knows better. I have a feeling He had something to do with the loan disappearing. He wants to handle this and I'm going to let Him. I trust Him to do whats right. I'm just waiting to see what He does. (Waiting is not fun, btw, but hey I'm a Christian, its not always fun but its worth it in the end)

Lately a lot of people have been telling me that I'm strong. Thank you for that awesome comment, but I want you to understand that my strength is not from me. My strength comes from Him. I'm not as close to Him as I would like to be, I have to start working on that, I really do, but everything I have comes from Him. He takes care of me. He really really does. He looks out for me and has saved me from a lot. (Different situations, guys, "friends", people in my life, etc) I don't appreciate Him as much as I should.

He died for me. He chose me, for whatever reason I really don't know.. I'm not all that great, but He thinks so, So I'll take it. (Wow, I'm in tears right now), I really do love Him. I really do. He is amazing. As much as I don't understand Him sometimes and how I get mad at Him. He reveals Himself and comforts me and takes care of me. Believe me, following Him is no walk in the park. It's not easy. It's rough. Very rough, but I know the rewards I will recieve one day. One great great day.

I'm glad I came to BICS. If you asked me why I came here or why I decided BICS I will tell you, I honestly have no idea. But I'm here and it has been life-changing and I'm grateful for every minute of it.

I'm glad this is the new me. I love it. I love the new knowledge I have. The new respects I have. The new love I have for Christ. I love it :) This is what truly makes me happy. Being a follower of my Lord, Jesus Christ.

:)


Thanks for Reading.

"Be still and know I am God"

Lately I've had a lot on my mind. Questions like, "was I really ready for school?", "how am I going to pay for it?" "who will be disappointed if I go home?", "why would God bring me here, then take me away?".... to things like "would I really have been happy?", "what can I learn from this?".... and it goes on and on.

Last week was a very rough week for me. I can't explain it at all. I started feeling all of the pressure and stress and hurt from everything and realized I wasn't as strong as I thought I was, I just felt defeated. I felt weak. I didn't know what to do and I didn't want to talk to God, I didn't want to seek guidance. I was stubborn, but whats new? It was then that He showed me that He is my strength. He is my control. He is my rock. He took care of everything. The money, the hurt, everything. I felt my burden being lifted and I am so grateful.

My God is my love. I strongly believe that and I am happy that I becoming a different person. A better person. Why should I care that you don't think I'm worth it? Why should I care that people will look at me differently? Why should I care what people think? I've done that way way way too much. I let other people decide my life. I let what other people think make my decisions and decide what I do. Its so pathetic. Is it really that hard to be my own person?

This year I want to find myself. Who I am. Who makes me happy. Who really matters, and who I decide to love. If I put God first, everything else will fall into place. If you don't like who I am and who I'm becoming then I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you don't think this is a good person, a person worth loving, a person worth being around, a person worth giving your respect. I'm sorry.

I love God. I do. He is amazing. He is love. He is just. He is merciful. He is grace. He is kind. He is happiness. He is my happiness. He is my first love. He is the one who is always with me and has always thought I am worth dying for. He is the one for me. I hope He is the one for you. He can be your everything too.

I'm glad that everything that has happened to me has happened. It showed me a lot of things. It showed me what God can do and what He saves me from (and with that, I should pray that I don't keep falling into the same mistakes).

"Be still and know I am God", this has become my favorite verse. It's helped me through so much. It helped me with the stress. It helped me with the questions. It helped me with the hurt. And I know it will continue to help me.

I love who I'm becoming. I love the new people that will come into my life. I love the people who think I'm worth it. I love my God.

"The waves surround me, I'm slowly drowning as I'm crying out for help. Grabbing hold of anything that looks like it can carry me through the night. And I, I look up and then I see Your hand reaching for me, then I sing. My Jesus, my Father, The one who is stronger than the storm. My hero, my only hope, You are my Savior."
:)

Thanks for Reading :)

My 2009

Okay so Rachael and Paige did this, annnnnnddddd I thought it was a good idea, soooo I'm gonna do it too.
:):):)

-I got really sick
-Had my first surgery
-Missed 47 days of school
-A cheating boyfriend
-Disappointed my parents
-Almost went to jail
-Went to prom
-Had my last chorus concert
-Graduated from high school
-Sang in a funeral
-Visited jail maybe a bit too much
-Had an amazing summer
-Got close to some amazing people
-Left home for college
-Realized how much my parents do for me
-Trip to Boston, MA
-Got surprised at Friendly's
-Enjoyed Thanksgiving at Meme's
-Trip to NYC
-"First solo flight" :)
-Had a great Christmas
-Was able to spend time with some awesome people
-Thought I found someone great
-Had a great New Years!
-Happy 2010!


How I would like 2010 to go:
-Hopefully not miss people to much, as in, learn to rely more on God
-Go to the Holy Lands and enjoy every minute of it
-Finish BICS
-Have a great trip visiting family
-Have another amazing summer
-Start ASU with NO complications
-Stay single, yes please.
-Thanksgiving in Augusta
-Christmas in Maine
-Bring on 2011 :)


Haha, mine was a bit different.
:)
Thanks for Reading!